The Secret Friend

The Secret Friendhttp://philosophic-mind.blog.co.uk/en-EUhourly82000-01-01T12:00+00:00The Secret Friendhttp://philosophic-mind.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/dd/d3fa7ef29680541b351c814f8a8f0d_160x200.jpgMoving on.http://philosophic-mind.blog.co.uk/2008/12/09/moving-on-5192020/2008-12-09T20:20:31+01:00 Screw our "superficial" friendship. Screw the "unfathomable" love I used to feel for him. Screw him. Live my precious life to the full and walk with my head held high without that dim-witted, careless prick. That's what I decided some weeks ago and I'm doing quite well without him, to be honest. I know that, according to some "acquaintances", I should have put our awkward friendship above all this, but I noticed that he doesn't even care about me anymore! For instance, I was seriously ill for a whole week, felt utterly depressed and he KNEW that, since I told him. He only asked me ONCE how I was and he did not even bother asking me whether I felt better or not! And I began rethinking about this bloody mess between the two of us and came to the conclusion that I was better off without him, anyway. The only thing he did for me was ceaselessly driving me mad or breaking my desperate heart to innumerable pieces. And, frankly, I got sick of mending my poor heart over and over again. I don't deserve this. I really don't. <a href="http://philosophic-mind.blog.co.uk/2008/12/09/moving-on-5192020/#comments">Comments</a> Screw our "superficial" friendship. Screw the "unfathomable" love I used to feel for him. Screw him. Live my precious life to the full and walk with my head held high without that dim-witted, careless prick. That's what I decided some weeks ago and I'm doing quite well without him, to be honest. I know that, according to some "acquaintances", I should have put our awkward friendship above all this, but I noticed that he doesn't even care about me anymore! For instance, I was seriously ill for a whole week, felt utterly depressed and he KNEW that, since I told him. He only asked me ONCE how I was and he did not even bother asking me whether I felt better or not! And I began rethinking about this bloody mess between the two of us and came to the conclusion that I was better off without him, anyway. The only thing he did for me was ceaselessly driving me mad or breaking my desperate heart to innumerable pieces. And, frankly, I got sick of mending my poor heart over and over again. I don't deserve this. I really don't.

Comments

]]>Twilight.http://philosophic-mind.blog.co.uk/2008/10/21/twilight-4909606/2008-10-21T22:00:09+02:00 My peace is gone, -My heart is sore- I'll find it, ah, never, No, nevermore! When he is not near, My grave is here; My world is all Turned into gall. My poor, poor head Is all a-craze, And my poor wits All in a maze. My peace is gone, -My heart is sore- I'll find it, ah, never, No, nevermore! [Goethe's Faust - Gretchen - Gretchen's Room] What if I let go of you, once and for all? What if I realise later that you've been loving me all the time, but never told me? On the one hand I think that I should tell you - so that you know that there is more and that I am hurting so much that it makes it so much harder to live life to the full, as loving you drives me completely crazy... On the other hand, I'm scared to death. Too scared to tell you. I don't want to lose you. No! By no means! <a href="http://philosophic-mind.blog.co.uk/2008/10/21/twilight-4909606/#comments">Comments</a> My peace is gone,
-My heart is sore-
I'll find it, ah, never,
No, nevermore!
When he is not near,
My grave is here;
My world is all
Turned into gall.
My poor, poor head
Is all a-craze,
And my poor wits
All in a maze.
My peace is gone,
-My heart is sore-
I'll find it, ah, never,
No, nevermore!
[Goethe's Faust - Gretchen - Gretchen's Room]

What if I let go of you, once and for all?
What if I realise later that you've been loving me all the time, but never told me?

On the one hand I think that I should tell you - so that you know that there is more and that I am hurting so much that it makes it so much harder to live life to the full, as loving you drives me completely crazy...

On the other hand, I'm scared to death. Too scared to tell you. I don't want to lose you. No! By no means!

Comments

]]>Losthttp://philosophic-mind.blog.co.uk/2008/10/08/lost-4841895/2008-10-08T22:33:03+02:00 I am giving up giving up giving up giving up giving up. No. I can't. <a href="http://philosophic-mind.blog.co.uk/2008/10/08/lost-4841895/#comments">Comments</a> I am

giving up
giving up
giving up
giving up
giving up.

No. I can't.

Comments

]]>The F-Word.http://philosophic-mind.blog.co.uk/2008/10/06/the-f-word-4830750/2008-10-06T20:45:52+02:00 This is it, eventually... Unfortunately...? Real love. "Really impossible" love would be more appropriate, though. This is a disaster. An emotional massacre. Oh, how I hate this! And still love it at the same time. It drives me crazy. I must admit that it had never ceased to be there. It always was. It will always be. I should stop hoping that he might feel the same. Yet, there's no striking reason that I should give up on it. After all, he's my friend. One of my closest friends. No. Actually he is the closest friend I've ever had in my whole life. I've known him for over 2 years and now we know each other so well that I can't imagine living my life without him. On top of that, everything I do kinda reminds me of him. It's distressing when you realise that you still didn't get over someone. Let's put it like this: fell in love with someone again. On 28th February, 2007 I understood that I was in love with my best friend J. And it was so hard to get rid of those unwanted "symptoms"... But I succeeded to stifle my feelings for him (which was a big mistake, to be honest). The months passed by and I was able to see him as a friend and not as a crush. We laughed together, cried together, experienced various crises, travelled together, you know... the usual stuff between friends. Platonic love on it's finest. And some weeks ago I woke up one morning to realise that those "symptoms" had returned out of the blue. They are only stronger than before, which is the worst, really. I'm completely helpless with this situation. I can feel that hope inside, although I know that it's in vain. He's my friend. Not my lover. I have to understand this. Once and for all... "Love was not something to be felt, not a particular emotion, nor yet a particular shade of feeling, it was much more like a lowering curse on the horizon, a precursor of disaster." The Age of Reason (by Jean-Paul SARTRE) <a href="http://philosophic-mind.blog.co.uk/2008/10/06/the-f-word-4830750/#comments">Comments</a> This is it, eventually... Unfortunately...?
Real love. "Really impossible" love would be more appropriate, though.
This is a disaster.
An emotional massacre.
Oh, how I hate this!
And still love it at the same time. It drives me crazy.
I must admit that it had never ceased to be there. It always was. It will always be.

I should stop hoping that he might feel the same. Yet, there's no striking reason that I should give up on it. After all, he's my friend. One of my closest friends. No. Actually he is the closest friend I've ever had in my whole life. I've known him for over 2 years and now we know each other so well that I can't imagine living my life without him. On top of that, everything I do kinda reminds me of him.

It's distressing when you realise that you still didn't get over someone. Let's put it like this: fell in love with someone again. On 28th February, 2007 I understood that I was in love with my best friend J. And it was so hard to get rid of those unwanted "symptoms"... But I succeeded to stifle my feelings for him (which was a big mistake, to be honest). The months passed by and I was able to see him as a friend and not as a crush. We laughed together, cried together, experienced various crises, travelled together, you know... the usual stuff between friends. Platonic love on it's finest. And some weeks ago I woke up one morning to realise that those "symptoms" had returned out of the blue. They are only stronger than before, which is the worst, really. I'm completely helpless with this situation. I can feel that hope inside, although I know that it's in vain. He's my friend. Not my lover. I have to understand this. Once and for all...

"Love was not something to be felt, not a particular emotion, nor yet a particular shade of feeling, it was much more like a lowering curse on the horizon, a precursor of disaster."
The Age of Reason (by Jean-Paul SARTRE)

Comments

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